A journey not a trip

Trips are temporary. Journeys are an ever evolving process. I am on a journey and I am constantly telling myself this.

Everyone always describes how life changing and necessary the proper diet and fitness is, but what they fail to tell you is just how hard it can be to maintain that lifestyle. Few tell of tales where they slipped up, cheated on their diet, or had a lazy day. This is life and in life moments arise where we disappoint ourselves. Maybe we miss a workout. Maybe we eat a meal that is gross. It's how we handle these moments that show us who we are. I have been through many of these moments recently and I've found that I have two paths I can take: I can either tell myself that what is done is done and to live and learn from my slip ups or I can sit and wallow in my disappointment in myself.

The later of the options is quite possibly the most destructive. Losing weight, being healthy and getting fit is a physical journey but above all else it is a mental one. It's learning to love yourself and your body. It's learning to love where you are now and where you are headed in the future. If you constantly knock yourself for your failures and missteps you learn to hate yourself and your "failures" and you tend to miss all of the progress you have made. Why downplay small victories and play up meeting or failing to meet the "end goal?" I have to constantly remind myself that I have come far in this journey and that I'm doing a great job. I have lost 6lbs and 5" over my body in 1.5 months! That's nothing short of amazing however it is really easy to get caught up in the "Oh i just cheated on my meal today"..."Oh I gained 2lbs"..."Oh I skipped my workout." It's painfully easy to tell myself I'm not meeting my own expectations. Do you know what the problem with expectations can be? If you fail to meet the goal or expectation, no matter how big or small, you lose motivation or you are constantly unhappy with yourself. Honestly, if healthy living is your ultimate goal, shouldn't a healthy mind be part of this?

Research has shown that a positive thinking improves your ability to find success while "dieting." See here. Personal experience can tell you that this research is correct. How many times have you found yourself doing well in a diet only to make a mistake one time and really come down on yourself on how much you failed? What did you do in that moment? Did you feel the urge to go to the gym? Maybe. But most likely you saw yourself as a failure and that all you worked up to was lost. That, my friends, is the crap we need to cut out of our lives. So you ate a donut. Yeah, not the best choice. You could have eaten two donuts or the whole dozen. You could eat donuts every day. That's unhealthy. But the point is that you really didn't do too much to harm yourself or your goals. One donut, one slice of cake or pizza can be undone. If you feel guilty for eating a donut here's what you should do: workout for 7 minutes. I wish I was kidding. If you eat a donut, download the app 7 minute workout challenge and get your butt in gear. Even if you fail to burn the necessary calories to work off that donut you did something and the reality is that something is better than nothing.

This has been my mantra as of late. Tired of constantly putting myself down and tired of feeling as though I have yet to accomplish anything I've decided to take the approach of mistakes will happen, bad things will happen, but how will I react when that happens? If I eat poorly or fail to make it to the gym how will I make it up to myself that day so that I feel successful? Whether I walk for 1 or 2 miles or do a 7 minute workout I need to do something. Maybe it's playing a game with kids or running around with a dog. Remember, something is better than nothing. I need to do something active (big or small) every day because I kept a promise to myself to be healthy. Just as with relationships, if you keep a promise to yourself you are happier and thus healthier all around. Keep your promises and set your goals low. Be active. Redefine your definition of activity. You don't need to (nor should you have to) immediately hit the gym blasting your pecs and running 5 miles every day. Some days a nice little stroll is all you need to keep that promise.

Peace!

my beginning isn't exactly the beginning

So there are many reasons people fail to succeed at their personal goals and wishes. Mine is an excuse that its too hard, I'm too injured, or that I don't have the time nor the will power. Everyone has their reasons. Everyone got to a place where they decided the "easier" option was the one they were going to choose. What it took me six years to realize was that it was a choice, an active choice in which I was the sole player. The excuses were just that - excuses. I chose to overeat. I chose to watch TV. I chose to make bad decisions in my life and I chose to make up the reasons which excused my actions. Nothing I have done or encountered in my life as far as not meeting my goals for my body should excuse my lack of accomplishment to my goals.

But I digress. Who am I? Where am I along this journey and where do intend to go from here?

I am a 29 year old woman. I am a hockey player. I am a softball player. I am an athlete. I am an overweight athlete and I have always been that. The astonishing fact is that I am a competitive athlete that is overweight. That means I am constantly training and competing with women whom are younger, smaller, and trimmer than I. I hate every minute of it. I am a woman who played college sports. I was the woman who had a horrible relationship and ate it. I literally ate my way through an awful relationship and gained 60lbs when I was 21. Yes. I gained 60lbs on an already overweight frame. I didn't even see it happening. It felt like I woke up one day and it fat. I certainly didn't but when you weigh in at a whopping 250lbs it's a surprise, a really BIG one. I decided to make a change. I biked 8-10mi daily and ate better. I lost 50lbs. I still wasn't happy. Fast forward 4 years. I found myself back up at 210. I made another change. I ate fewer calories, tracked my food intake, got myself a trainer 2x a week, and had gym sessions every other day. During this I also implemented Paleo and played hockey very competitively again (making an effort to skate whenever I could). I had a hip surgery or two during the process and found myself down at 174. 76lbs is nothing to scoff at but I wasn't satisfied. Then I got married, which meant comfortable and everything we had worked on to prepare our bodies for the wedding was over and I went back to what I used to eat... I gained again. I am currently 188lbs and desperately seek a change.

I've been at this for six years now, this change and I've just begun to understand and believe the following:

1. Patience
My biggest mistake along this journey has always been patience. Many people lack the patience necessary to meet their goals. We are a nation of must have, need, and I want nows. We can't wait for things to happen over extended periods of time we need to have it now. That was my problem. I would try a work out routine or diet and be unsatisfied with the results and quit right there. What I was doing was confusing my body and making myself miserable about who I was and my ability to accomplish anything. I would look at other 'fit' people and constantly compared myself to them. I would tell myself even after losing 10lbs in a month that I could never look like them. I convinced myself I wasn't good enough and subconsciously convinced myself I didn't deserve it.

2. Enjoy the small victories
Every time I lost a pound or two I would tell myself it would be back. I said it because it had happened before. I would tell myself that no matter how close I got to my goal weight, most of my weight would return. I never let myself have that moment where I was proud of what I had accomplished. Instead I cared about how it wasn't enough, should've lost more, or that inevitably it would return. The truth is, in doing so I made my 'prophecy' come true by doing this. Vicious circles tend to play a major role in our lives.

3. Be happy with where you are knowing this is a journey and not a sprint
If the weight didn't come off quick enough, I quit. I always quit because my expectations were far off from reality. Why? Hmm... perhaps it was reading various 'miracle' blogs about weight loss and the multiple television shows about weight loss that I watched religiously. Inevitably I would be stuck thinking, 'How come they can lose 8 pounds in a week? I must not be doing it right. I give up.' The problem with this mentality is two fold. One, I was comparing myself to people who literally devoted 3months to a year of their lives to fitness and diet. I'm talking no job, or flexible hours, free gym passes, understanding and supportive members of their family. They had coaches with them telling them what to eat and how to work out. All because they had admitted their problem and submitted to a TV show. I had 50 internet articles saying which diet and workout was best. Two, the reality of these shows and 'quick' fixes is that rarely does it stick. A lot of these shows have recently come under fire due to the inconsistencies of their results long term. Many contestants regain the weight, others starve themselves to win the competition to dangerous levels. Neither is a healthy life style.

4. Be honest about your goals
Having a goal of 'I want to lose weight' can be good but is often too vague to accomplish. You don't want to lose weight, you may want to lose 20 pounds, but that's still not good for yourself nor does it get at the heart of your wants and needs, the things that make you most upset. It's not honest enough. I always told people I wanted to 'lose 15-20lbs' then I would be satisfied. It was a number I had pulled randomly out of the air. A number from a BMI chart that put me in the 'normal' category. I wanted to be normal. That reaching constantly for the 15lbs devastated me every time I didn't reach it in the arbitrary time frame I had set up for myself. I thought I wasn't strong enough to get there mentally, I was still fat, etc. It was horrible self-talk and caused me to abandon my original dream to be healthy, feel good, and be strong. That was my true goal. One I thought was too ambiguous and unmeasurable. How annoying. Looking back on it I've realized that even though I never hit my 'goal' I can visibly see a difference in my body and face and I didn't recognize that. I was okay following a diet even if the food made me feel gross and I wasn't happy.

Which brings me to my final point and realization. I need and we all need to be healthy. For some, that's to give up dairy. For some it's to work out more frequently. For some it's to actively be more positive in life. For me it is to eat cleanly and do activities I enjoy. When I counted calories, it kept me in check, but also pointed out my inability to control my inhibitions, which made me feel terrible. I could eat 100 calorie baked cheetos, feel like crap, but 'rest assured' that it fit into my diet. What I didn't know was that a lot of my negative feelings were directly connected to my self-talk and my addiction to processed, gross, 'food'. I came to understand this 3months prior to my wedding when I spent some time eating a Paleo diet. My problem with Paleo is that it was too restrictive for my life and thus I felt it was a diet and not a life style.

I'm choosing to eat clean and know what enters my body. I am consciously choosing to love myself on this journey (not race) and be happy with what I accomplish along the way. I am not where I want to be, but knowing that I have admitted this is a start to a change. I look forward to the journey and updating a long the way. Stay positive and keep on keeping on!